Sports Commentary

The Super Bowl this year consists of two teams headed by brothers competing against each other. Although Jane Austen doesn’t discuss or mention sports in her novels (most didn't exist as a popular organized sport while she was alive), I decided, just in time for the Super Bowl, to offer some sports commentary of my own. Those of you who know me personally and are currently scratching your heads in puzzlement, hang in there. This should be fun.

American football:

Though its precursor, rugby, may have been around during Ms. Austen’s time, American football was developed after her death (Wikipedia). This sport involves a complicated equation of yards, downs, tackles, defense, offense, passing, running, kicking, grabbing each other, and non-existent girlfriends. It is played by overpaid athletes who wear tight pants and so much padding it is difficult to see if they qualify as a “hot guy”, using an oblong shaped ball made of skin from dead pigs, presumably, since it is called a “pigskin”. Scoring is accomplished by making a touchdown, after which the man who made the touchdown dances, and everyone hugs and pats each other on the butt. I think, anyway, since I don’t watch much football.

Basketball:

Modern basketball was invented in 1891 (Wikipedia), which is about 70 years after Ms. Austen’s death. This game is played with a big round ball also made from animal skin, which is banged against the floor repeatedly in an action called dribbling. The game involves dribbling the ball down the floor to your team’s end of the court, blocking, trying to avoid traveling, passing, fouling members of the opposite team and (if it’s men’s pro basketball) excessive timeouts or breaks in the game due to referee calls.  It is also played by overpaid athletes, unless of course you are a female professional basketball player. Scoring is accomplished by putting the big round ball through a funnel shaped net placed over most people’s heads (especially mine), whether during play or free throws, after which hugging and patting each other on the butt ensues. I think, anyway, since I don’t watch much basketball.

Baseball:

The origin of baseball seems a little murky, and it may actually have been in existence informally during Ms. Austen’s lifetime. However, I rather doubt whether she paid any attention to a neighborhood sport making an appearance in the United States. This game is played with a smallish round ball currently made with cowhide, though until 1974 baseballs were made with horsehide, and were only switched to cowhide because the growing shortage of dead horse skin made it prohibitively expensive (according to Wikipedia and other various internet sites). Players use a thick stick tapered at one end to hit the ball as far as possible so that they will have time to run in a circle without a player from the other team touching them or the next base with the ball. Other equipment includes a cupped glove in which the ball is caught, if the player gets lucky. Scoring occurs when a player makes it all the way around the circle. Other action includes standing around the field or in the dugout waiting for the next time, if ever, a player hits the ball and runs around the circle. I think, anyway, since I don’t watch much baseball.

Hockey:

This last week John Cusack tweeted about how happy he was that hockey was back. Well, at least he isn’t reading this. This game is played on ice, though there is a version on grass called field hockey evidently. It involves a long thin, oddly curved at the end stick, which is used to slide a puck, a round flat hard object, around the ice. Scoring is accomplished by flinging said puck into a net, after which hugging, hitting each other on the shoulder, and patting each other on the butt ensues. Fighting during the game is also a possibility, which is the interesting part. I think, anyway, since I don’t watch much hockey.

Golf:

Golf evidently began in Scotland in the Middle Ages but didn’t spread beyond to the U.K. and outward until the end of the 19^th century (Wikipedia again), so even golf as a popular sport was after Jane Austen’s time. This game is played with a thin stick with a small growth at the end, which is used to hit a little hard round ball (which, according to the only trivia fact my mother seemed to know when I was a child, has exactly 365 dimples) across grass and other types of terrain to reach a small hole in the ground.  This is done solo, in front of a crowd and a bunch of cameras, so there is not usually anyone else around for hugging or butt patting. At least as far as I can tell, in the brief moments I catch a glimpse of golf while channel surfing. I don’t watch any golf.

Nascar (or auto racing in general):

Can’t they make these cars hybrid or something?

Anyway, Nascar/auto racing involves a bunch of men and a tot-sized small handful of females driving cars in endless circles around a track, or in short sprints, etc., depending on the type of car. This sport also involves frequent pit stops whose timing seems haphazard, where a highly skilled and trained set of techs perform car health care at lightening speeds.  As far as that handful of females goes, most people are aware of Danica Patrick, who is the most successful woman in the history of “American open-wheel racing” according to Wikipedia, and the first woman to lead the Indy 500 (Wikipedia.com, biography.com). Ms. Patrick is by no means the first female auto racer, however. She is the fourth woman to race in the Indy 500 (biography.com).  Plus there’s Shirley Muldowney, the "First Lady of Drag Racing", who was racing before Ms. Patrick was born, and who is memorialized in this complex little song by L7, included on their album Hungry for Stink and in the early Angelina Jolie and Hedy Burress girl power movie Foxfire, based on a Joyce Carol Oates book.

Here is Ms. Muldowney in action, accompanied by the song:

Beyond my knowledge of Ms. Muldowney through my favorite band, my only other exposure to Nascar/auto racing activities was when I was about 12 or 13, and my best friend’s father bought a monster truck. I traveled with them to some truck pulling events, at which there were also auto racing. At one of these events my best friend and I spent some time at an auto repair place with a young man of our age for some reason (I think the monster truck broke down or needed some tlc or something). Afterward, she told me he was interested in me. This was only the first incidence in my lifelong inability to read the confusing signals of whether a guy “likes me”.  But after the age of 13 or so, I really couldn’t say much about auto racing/Nascar. I don’t really watch it much.

Next time, I will be discussing soccer (football to the rest of the world), and the only sport for which I have watched an entire professional game in person: Australian rules football.

As for Super Bowl day, I'm sure there will be some sort of crime drama reruns like NCIS, Criminal Minds, or CSI on, or someone will be having an alternative Super Bowl event. If all else fails, I can go outside and watch the grass grow.